Weekender Thoughts

1. My tita asks, "June na, nagenroll ka na ba? You have to think of your career. How do you see yourself by five years from now?"

Ah eh...

2. Finally tried swimming with contact lens which is I am afraid of before. No blind swimming anymore. Haha babaw.

3. Taylor Swift's Shake it Off had me some positive mood. My happy song for the weekend.

4. I've been watching One Piece again. Still a good laugh source.

5. Today's happy purchase is Maroon 5 concert ticket. Went straight to MOA Arena after the outing to fall in line in ticket booth and to avoid sold out dillema. I'm back to being solo concert goer.

6. I had no regrets for being the one who cares more.

Shining Bright

Hiiiiii. I'm back. From Breaking Free blog which is so 2009, I decided to revamp it a little and I chose the title Shining Bright.

Last Sunday during the whole staycation with my CE friends, the television is on mtv channel only. I heard Bright by Echosmith and I eventually fall in love with the song. Timely that they'll be having a concert here in Manila this coming August. The frustrated fan girl is currently looking for tickets and concert buddy. So anyway, while on a heartbreak,  the song has manage to make me feel fine. The lyrics has message of positivity and hope and all good thoughts. 

The blog renovation has keep me busy. Pinaghirapan ko yan kahit ang simple lang. I enjoy playing with colors and designs. Lakas maka artist. Haha. I've enrolled in an online art class by the way so art student na ko. Art-te, arte. Haha. I cannot give up the pink, blue, violet combination because those are my happy colors. I chose the powder effect on design that had a connection on how I wanted to view life now as light and colorful and playful. Haha emo pa din. I remember that the pre nup of my ideal couple, #thepats was also full of holi powder fun.

The blog title font is in calligraphy, which is I've been practicing also. Hihi. I'm still no good so I had to use computerized calligraphy font.

I am still happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way but that was so 22, that's why I decided to change profile description to "dazzled by constellation" which is also an excerpt from the song Bright. I will always be a fan of sky and stars and midnight dreams. 

Things are getting better. Thankful because life is good and that's the way it should be. To happiness and beyond, I am shining bright.

*plays song on repeat* ❤️

Happy Vibe

The moment I knew I am back on track was when I have babaw laughter again.

My favorite lawyer has a hearing tomorrow and he needed an important document from us. Timely that pinagusapan lang namin ng officemate ko yesterday yung about that so I knew the answer where is the precious document. Nung kausap ni Mam si Atty sa phone, nangingiti nalang ako kasi alam ko ako uutusan nya. Nyaha

Atty eto na po yung document

Original ba to?

Yes Sir. Pareceive nalang po

Ayoko nga

Sige na Atty

Sabihin mo very good sya.

Wala na po kaming utang ha.

Tapos ang saya ko na nyan. Salamat naman sa boss kong very supportive sa pagmamahal ko kay Atty. Nyaha

After aftermath

0527

Nasabi ko na lahat. Tapos feeling ko I don't need to know the answers anymore. Wala na kong mapapala. Natatawa nalang ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko. Haha nakakahiya. But at least I'm feeling better. I'm baaaaaack! Wiser and stronger and optimisticer. Haha ano daw? Lezdothis!

0528

Natatawa pa din ako pag naisip ko yung mga nagawa ko. Haha kakainis. Ang dami kong nagamit na emotions. Anyway, mukang nakakarecover na ko. Ewan ko nga kung bakit ang bilis din. Okay na din. In the end, ang pinagsisihan ko siguro is yung nawalan ako ng kaibigan. Para kong baliw, takte. Sorry kung nasample sayo yung craziness and weirdness ko.

0529

Wala na kong gusto isulat.

0530

0531

0601

0602

I am over it when I stopped writing.

Aftermath

Highlights for today.

0526

The day after sick leave.

Head: Ano, okay ka na?

Me: Yes Mam.

H: Ano nangyari sayo?

M: Stress ako Mam.

H: Nakakastress talaga ang love life.

Ah eh?! Nafeel mo ba ko Mam? Sabi ko lang may fever ako e. Nyaha.

*

Today, I choose happiness. Para sayo, para sakin, para sa buong mundo at kabilang mundo. Haha

*

Nakita ko si Atty. My pampagood vibes. Binigyan na ko ng basbas ni Mam. "O Jessa,pag may legal concern tayo, ikaw na makipagusap kay Atty, ibigay ko sayo number nya" Yiheee!

*

Buti pa kami ng Vista, ilang beses na nagaanniversary.

Buti pa ang payroll may pagibig.

Buti pa ang elevator, may gf.

#hugot101

*

Unanswered questions are meant to be answered for us to find closure. More than myself, I am more concerned with the need of a friend who is feeling the same way. Sobrang babaw ng drama ko compared sa kanya. We badly wanted to help her get over with her situation.

*

As for me, I am thankful for my friends for keeping me company. It always feel nice when you know you got friends you can confide to, who will listen to you, and do not tolerate your unworthy thoughts. 

*

Okay na din yung limited access ko to stalk you. Major turn point yung unmatch,  unfollow, block. Super nakatulong para marealize ko yung kabaliwan ko. Sana tuloy tuloy na ang moving on so I can regain myself. Masaya naman ako nung single ako, nagkataon lang na dumating ka to entertain me and to give me attention. Ang hirap lang magbago na naman ng routine. Feeling ko dapat tanga tangahan ka muna before you can move on. I wanted to hate you pero you're still nice. Tama naman na I still should be thankful for that, at least you did not take advantage of my feelings.

*

Haha. Fudge! Natatawa naman ako when I realized na

1) Ang babaw ng happiness ko

2) Ang bilis ko mafall in love

3) Ang clingy ko

4) Ang drama ko

5) Ang sensitive ko

6) Ang bilis ko masaktan

*

My friend told me na she never expected that I responded that way. I've been the coolest adviser before, ang strong ko, sobrang basher ko, tapos ako din pala yung di susunod sa mga payo ko. Haha. Siguro dahil I was overwhelmed with his presence. Aba after 7 years, may nag appreciate ulit ng existence ko na opposite sex. Hindi ko counted si wechat boy kasi binola lang ako non. Nyaha. Tas wrong timing pala lahat. Feeling ko I was stuck with my teenage response about love. Baka nga tama si Alex when he said na I am immature. And sinisisi ko pa din si Eric on how I make decisions on love. Nakamove on lang ako sa kanya nung nalaman kong may family na sya. After 7 longest years of my life. Hindi ko nagawa yung rebound moves, kasi sinaktan din ako ni André, the jowa jowaan after him. Haha daming boylet. Lech! 

End rant.

Ex Lovers

Got a long list of ex lovers, they tell you I'm insane.

I finally saw Mrs.P in flesh yesterday. She's simple and pretty and mukang mabait. I admire her. Naalala ko nagseselos pa ko sa kanya before. Okay na ko ngayon.

I've finally deleted the chat conversation with my 17 year old guy fling. Nauna ko pa nadelete yung kay kuya. Tapos pagbrowse ko ng ig nakita ko sya. My teenage love enjoys partying, tapos ako I feel old na for dance and bar nights. Haha. Miss you young man. Okay na ko ngayon.

Writing Therapy Part 3

0520

I get rid of tinder and our viber messages. I hope it's a good start. I've been thinking of you once in a while, I still check your social media accounts. It will take time for me to heal. Thankful that our goodbye was nothing bad. We needed to part, I have to let you go. Someday we can laugh about this relationship that we made. Let me move on today.

0521

Things are getting better. I miss you still though. I've been reminiscing both the good and hard times. I smile. I frown. I got lots of unanswered questions. Maybe you can answer in time, when the feelings are fine. You hated the drama, I'm sorry my love. Hindi naman kita ideal man e, pero I give up the idea, dahil pinasaya mo ako in many ways I have not expected. Pero us is not meant to happen. Ending the day as detective. Why am I good at stalking. And hurting. Huh.

0522

I still think of you. I still miss you. I wonder if you feel the same. 

0523

I am only getting updates about you from social media. I am creating my own stories from it. I am making sad stories. I wish I can talk to you now. I miss you.

0524

I don't know if you are still active in viber. I sent a message there. Then some minutes ago you accidentally liked my ig photo. I smile a bit when I found out that you've been checking me. Haha. Shet bakit ko ba ininstall ulit yung tinder,naggagawa na naman ako ng kwento ngayon. Huhu. Please move on please. Today, you unfollowed me in ig. F.

Fudge!!!

When did you realized na ayaw mo na kong kausap?

What was the reason of us talking constantly before? 

After accidentally liking my photo, why did you unfollowed me in ig? Huh

What's wrong with me?

Takteng yan nakaprivate ka pala sa ig. Waaaah. Naunfollow ko. Huhu. Why is it so hard for me to hate you.

0525

Nakasick leave ako today. Love sick. Sobrang childish nung pag unfollow mo sakin sa ig. Mas sobrang childish ko, kasi inunfollow din kita. Pinili kotng magpahinga from work today. Kailangan marelease ko yung pain, makapagisip ako, umiyak ako. Gustong gusto ko na magmove on. Paano?! Unmatched na din tayo, bwisit na bwisit ka na no. Sorry for the endless drama.

Hindi naman talaga ko mangungulit if I had not received a notification that you liked my post. It got me thinking that you still care. So I beg for attention again. Until I finally got a response. I admire how you still manage to be nice. Kung yung first reply mo lang yun, inis na inis na naman siguro ako. The follow through message made me feel fine somehow.

I still don't know how to go on. I had to figure it out. Alone. Lezdothis again. Ubos na yung luha ko pero yung sakit andun pa din.

Writing Therapy 2.0

0513

Day 1. Without you. No more exchange of good morning, no more ingat pauwi and nakauwi ka na ba messages, no more teasing, no more kamusta, no more getting to know, no more you. Your nice words made me accept this turning point lightly. It was not wholeheartedly, it isn't easy, but I am trying. I have to live by your advice, after all it was helpful. I am rereading it every time I am tempt to send a message to you. Oh let me survive this day and the days after. While going home, I realized that maybe I wasn't really in love with the person. Maybe I was in love with the idea of having someone who is able to listen and converse to me in a consecutive manner. I am  overwhelmed with his presence, as he become an older brother or a bestfriend to me. The people I never had. Capping of this day still in confusion but adapting the change. Lezdothis Jez!

0514

I miss you I miss you I miss you. At times, I smile reminiscing the good old days. I've been checking you once in a while. Parang mas okay sakin na active ka online kahit alam kong may kausap kang iba, at least I know you are safe and sound. I don't know how are you today. I  hope you're fine. Tapos nagonline ka. Sweet. Nabasa mo ba? Thankful for this busy day that I tend to not think about you.

0515

I tried. I failed. I prayed. It was answered.

Nagmessage ako kagabi. Nagonline ka ng madaling araw,so I guess nabasa mo na. Di ka nagreply. Nainis na naman ako. Tinamad na naman ako pumasok. My gulay. Tapos nagreply ka na. Natuwa na ko. Kaso di ka na ulit nagreply. Pero mukang di mo pa naman nabasa. Nyehe. I miss youuuuuuuuuu!

0516

I am still stuck on days when I woke up and the first thought on my mind is you. I am glad to hear from you today. It's no easy without you. I have lots of kwento I wanted to share. I miss talking and laughing with you. You are far from me, enjoy the travel.

0517

Dreadful Sunday. Hoping to catch up with you today. I have not received a reply from you. I terribly miss talking to you. Let this feelings be over. I miss my old happy, positive self.

0518

I am crying and breaking and dying inside. Never will I get over you so soon. I watched 500 Days of Summer wherein reality has struck me. I am sad. Us was never a love story, only a story of love. I don't know what future awaits.  It must have been destined that your phone was damaged and our communication will be cut. I miss you everyday. You responded to my message. You left me with few words again. I cried so much hoping that when I stop crying, the pain will also stop. I miss you Rex.

0519

It was mixed emotions when I finally able to exchange messages with you last night. You told me you already quit tinder. I guess that's the time that you quit on me, on us too. You never want to talk to me. I've been crying a lot. I know the pain is temporary but until when. I want to move on. I wasn't meant to fall in love with you, but I already am. I should be wishing for our happiness but our individual happiness is what I needed to ask for. There's no us from the very start. I'm starting to hate you. I hate that I love you. Let's end the drama!!! Bye my love. :(

6:48

What happen ba? Kala ko friends din tayo? Di ka pwede kausapin? Namimiss na kita seriously. Pakisampal nga ko ng isa.

10:27

Are ya there?

1:22 

Haha sabi kc para makamove on kelangan putulin ang komunikasyon. Wag ako tnungin m kng anu nangyari, srili m mismo tnungin m kng bkt k ngkganyan. 😀

1:31

Wala akong sagot. Lakas ng impact mo sakin. Yung blog ko deleted na. Uninstall ko na din to. Hope to hear from you somewhere. See you ulet sometime soon. :-)

1:41

Haha ang gsto ko lng nmn baguhin sau ung pagkaemo m, kng un makakatulong sau, go. Be happy, u deserve to be! Thank you! See you when I see you! 😉

/end

"Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow." -Shakespeare 

I did not expect that our friendship will come to an end - now. The streak ends today, you said. It was too long then too soon. Until the last conversation, I have not told you that I love you. Because at the last moment, I am still hoping that you won't go away. That love won't be the reason why we have to part. Never will it be easy to let you go. My listener, my rant absorber, my happy vibe, my adviser. In the end, you must be right that I need to follow your advise. 

I am supposed to share it here but I'd rather keep it to myself as constant reminder that you whom I thought had hurt me has given me the words to keep going and to choose happiness.

Today I lost a potential boyfriend 

Nonetheless, I acquired a best friend.

We go back to where we started

When nothing was ever complicated.

Writing Therapy

0506

As much as I want to get mad at you today, I still ended up exchanging messages with you. The thought of you has manage to make me happy. I hate you I hate you but the more you entertain me, I'd go back to loving you. I am a mere stranger you said hi to until we never notice it's been consecutive days of conversation. But it was only me who have developed feelings. I miss our fair chat exchange. Lately, I am always the one who is starting the talk. I am clueless of who I am to you. I am certain though that never will I be your significant other. I am but one of your ordinary friends. I don't know until when can I accept that idea. I wish I could've ended it the first time I got the wrong sign. I am drowning now and cannot be able to walk away easily. I appreciate all the attention but I hate it at the same time because I am deeply falling in love with you as days go by.

0507
You've been busy today. Seems like I am begging for your replies again. Last night, I've been planning to confess everything to you. This morning, I decided not to. I cannot lose you now. I guess I have to let go of you asap though. My heart is suffering. I am in deep pain but of course it is not your fault, never yours. My attachment problem has been terrible. I have to move on soon enough before I breakdown.  At least tonight you are somehow friendly with your response. I suddenly miss the old app where we used to talk on slow pace. Back when we took time to get to know each other. Lately, it was just me who felt interested. 

0508
I am somehow happy with our conversation last night. Light lang tulad ng dati. Until this morning na hindi mo na naman ako pinapansin. Onting onti nalang susuko na talaga ako. Pero I don't know how can I go on without you. Nasa system na kita, routine na kita, ikaw yung kumukumpleto ng araw ko. But lately, everything seems no sense to you. Hindi ko na alam where do I go from here. Ang hirap mo iinterogate. I want answers. Then the exchange of messages from late noon to midnight was fun just the way I want to. I wonder what tomorrow will bring though. 

0509

You're ignoring me again. Marami pa naman akong rants today. Nakakamiss nung nakikinig ka pa. Problema sa trabaho, sa personal, pati tuloy ikaw problema ko na. Sobrang clingy ko pala talaga, naiinis ka na siguro. Sana pala hindi mo nalang ako pinagtyagaan before para di na tayo umabot sa ganito. I'm sorry. Tapos naalala ko pala, nakita ko yung jowabels mo kahapon. Di ko sure kung kilala nya ko pero nakatingin din sya sakin. Pakiconfirm nga kung sya talaga yong girl in pink stripes polo shirt and denim jeans. Haha. Ang sama yata ng tingin ko sa kanya kahapon,sorry. I have four unreplied messages now. If I add another one, it would be a shame. Para akong may token na pangsugal, isa nalang ang natitira, it's either mananalo ako pag nireplyan nya ko finally or matatalo ako kapag na seen zoned na naman ako. Alam ko online ka ngayon, pigil na pigil ako makipagchat sayo. Pride ko na kasi yun e. Huhu. Mauna ka naman o. Good night. Pansinin mo na ko. 

0510

I woke up thinking about you. I woke up crying with the thought of you. I wonder if today will bring me pain or gladness. I miss you. I hate why I cannot hate you. Seriously? Leaving without goodbye? I thought we are clear about it. Ughhhhh. Ay joke lang, nagreply ka na. Thanks kahit mejo suplado pa din ng slight. Thank you thank you thank you. Not.

0511

Kakayanin ko, kakayanin ko. Tinitiis ko. Hirap na hirap na ko. Pano ba to?! Walang iwanan naman o. Kaya ko naman yata. Parang tanga na naman ako nito e. I thought you are different. Prove me that you are please. May problema ka ba sakin? May problema ba tayo? Bakit biglang nagbago? Ang sakit sakit na e. Magpaalam ka nalang ng maayos. Kesa nageexpect ako sa wala. I needed an explanation. Please? I'm sorry. Don't I deserve an appropriate goodbye? Wala ng pupuntahan to, ako nalang ang may gusto. Sobrang nakakaiyak na. 

0512

When technically, we are 3 months acquaintance, I sent this to you http://thoughtcatalog.com/nadine-hocson/2015/05/this-is-how-you-lost-me/. I woke up crying. Now is the time to let you go. I don't know how. 

Confession

I have not changed my criteria of an ideal man. But just so you know, I have change my perspective on who to love. I forgot the ideal because I found in you the person better than the Mr.Perfect I previously wanted.

I remember writing this:

" It's been ages since I started searching for the good looking, professional, rich, religious, family oriented, smart guy."

From the past months that Ive known you, I realized a lot of things.

It isn't about the looks. Forget the tall, chinito, conyo looking guy. After all, I ain't the pretty face that everyone appreciates. You're even too cute for me. I'm thankful that you aren't the conyo I wanted. You aren't high maintenance. I won't feel too much pressure. But believe me, you are good looking.

Let's not talk about educational achievements or titles. Your diploma is real fine and I honestly adore what your career is. Per basis of your stories, I know you're an excellent employee, a respected professional.

Forget about being rich. My family aren't either. I realized it will be hard to get along with the family of high class especially that I'm a jologs. To my regular guy, let's just work hard together to be rich enough for our shared luxuries and adventures.

We can work out being religious. I was just glad that we have the same religion. I thank God everyday for giving you to me. I pray that you won't leave me. I hope we have the same prayers.

On being family oriented, I regard that you are the breadwinner. I admire you for that. You have the potential of being a good provider. Can you be my husband? Haha.

On smart guy, it isn't about intelligence or academic honors. The wit, the sense of humor, the personality can attest how smart a person is. You are. More than anything else, that was the reason why I like you so much. You make me happy. I can listen and talk to you everyday of my life.

You have the qualities of the new ideal. I get kilig about that.

Then lately, I felt something has changed though. Were you annoyed of me? Me being clingy, talking non sense matter, getting too emotional? I don't know what happened. Things are cold now. I miss the past us. You are my best friend.

I am afraid to lose you. I am afraid to love you. 

I still have a lot to say and to confess to you. Should you wish to know, you can approach me anytime as I am always here for answers. Although I have lots of questions too. There's just one thing I wanted to ask from you. If you will be leaving, please say goodbye appropriately. Thank you.

05.02.2015

Monday Sermon Session

Thankful for my friends today - basically for bashing me and throwing non stop sermons. I was always the basher and the adviser until I said hello to karma today. What goes around comes around as they say. Ugh. I am being mocked for the crazy stuff I've been doing. I honestly heard myself from them.


1) Piliin mo yung mas mahal ka kesa sa mas mahal mo.
2) Itigil mo na habang hindi pa malalim yung feelings invested.
3) Iconfirm mo kung may patutunguhan ba. Kasi mukang one sided lang yan.
4) Wala akong faith. I cannot see the future.
5) Tiisin mo kasi. Yung mababaw pa nga lang, na out of focus ka na, pano nalang sa bigger problem. Baka any moment iiyak ka nalang sa harap ng monitor o kaya mag awol.
6) Wag kang clingy.
7) Do not settle for less than the standards. Pero gawin mo namang makatotohanan yung standards mo.
8) Value yourself first. Value your value.
9) He might be under experiment game. You're ONE OF THE lab rat.
10) Kung gusto ka nyan, mageeffort yan.


After all, no one listened to the above mentioned advices. One ended up broken, the other one found the love of her life. Where do I go from here then? Where my hopeless romantic heart will be going? Lezdothis Jez!!!